This Sweet & Bitter Pill..

called addiction..
how it changes all things, plans, outlooks, moods, loves, hates, times, laughter,
tears, goals, life & yes
even death.

As much as it made me crazy to not do..I didn't score last night..I waited until the last possible moment to call (a game I play to stay away), and last night my luck was having none of it. No one called back..yes I paced..swore..watched the clock mercilessly..dialed & dialed the number a hundred plus times..berated myself for wanting..for waiting..but I did achieve what I set out to do..not score.

This morning bright and early..

I could hardy wait to wake up..sleeping just on this side of the unconscious..eyes popping open at the exact time I knew the dealer of my chosen wares

switched his cell on.. as he prepares for yet another day of silent &

prolonged killing.

I sit here with itchy fingers..the cell staring me down..my eyes reflecting in its dark shiny plastic daring me to wait again...to try & put it off again..to go without again. Already thinking I'm not going to be able to abstain today..that's for sure..as my defeatest attitude rears its taunting head...beating down & out any & all parts of me who dares to try. Like a ruthless lover who you crave way to much..opiates beckon me to call for them.

If I can get through this day and not cop..ha..well that's a joke..it just aint happening.

Yes I could take alot of methadone and wait it out but the truth is I don't want to...I really don't. These stages we go through are mind boggling sometimes. I can resist for a long time and be doing perfectly fine for months on end with only juice (methadone), then I run into a pocket of time where all I want..crave..need and simply gots to have..is just one more glorious, delicious 'hug me all over and over and over again' hit. The feeling is unparalleled..the warmth flooding every cell of my being...there is absolutely nothing else like it..not sex..not love..not music..not laughter..not anger..not thrills..not all of the senses combined..not all of the above together times one thousand.

Nothing.

There has to be more to it than it's addictive properties..it's as if the dope is an entity unto itself..finding its legs its life when it enters our bloodstream..some might liken this to a vampire..a sucker of the soul..and they would not be far off. Still I say..if it is so..well bite me bite me bite me & fucking bite me again.

Please.

I write this and I want to not write this..I spend most of my time fighting what I've written here with every fiber of my being..denying..saying I'm okay..no not shooting dope anymore..I've grown

Bullshit.. if I'm being honest..if I am speaking truth..this is what comes out strong..this is what has walked beside me through it all..accompanied me to places no other would..through thick and thin..through times of everything and of nothingness..this is really how I feel...heroin is my passion..and sadly or nay..it's the only one I've ever found.

I have no desire to write..to be creative..to think..to feel..to 'do' anything..

but go and score.

Shameful revalations of the self indeed..

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Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To smoke opium is to get out of the train while it is still moving. It is to concern oneself with something other than life or death.
~Jean Cocteau~

This is Ground Control to Major Blogger's or Something a Little Different.

I've had a disturbing week and will blog about it soon..time is scarce right now..but I did want to add something here and thought this was kind of cool. Now I realise I sometimes have all the time in the world and many may find this task boring..but I kinda like it. So without further adieu I bring you a way to pass the hours and help the scientific world at the same time. Tres cool no. p>

The University of California at Berkeley's Stardust@Home project, is geared towards finding a small number of star dust particles which (could) have become embedded in an aerogel collector on the Stardust spacecraft as it passed through the tail of the Wild 2 comet. Since this task would take many years if they analysed the data themselves, they've invited us..the public to give a helping hand & eye. You need only view a quick introduction and take an easy test and register; to help them view slides from microscope images of the collector and report if there looks to be a possible particle present. And all this from the cozy comfort of your own pc..imagine how 'part of the solution & bigger picture' you'll feel

Yea..okay well..'some' of us will feel then.

Comet Flyby.

Understanding what powers a comet

Happy particle hunting one & all!

And for a little added pleasure try

What Year Do You Belong In?

Mine came back as:

You Belong in 1962

If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?