As an active addict there are times in my day when it seems the insane emotional ups & downs will never end. It's all about understanding and gauging our abilities to handle things..staying away from those situations we're uncomfortable in..at least until we are stronger..and surrounding ourselves with the simple stuff..or sitautons we can trust. Build over time..slowly...little tiny wee baby steps.Ah 'trust' now there's a word that packs a punch in my world..it's one thing to not trust others..but when you can't trust yourself..you're really in a fix aren't you...yep..a nice tight spot all by your lonsome and of your own making to boot.
I think for at least a year (some more..some less..some forever and a day (like it's turning out to be in my case), after coming off of dope our emotions are so brand spanking new to us..really they've been in lock down haven' they ...pushed back by the dope that numbed/s them. Like just the other day I was watching this movie called "In Her Shoes,' I found my eyes starting to tear up every now and again..and there really wasn't anything that sad about it. I kinda laughed this nervous little laugh..wiped my eyes and mumbled to my stunned cats who were all sitting around the living room watching me intently "Yep mum is losing it for real..pay her no mind..she doesn't have a clue why she's going on like this either.' I hit the pause button and up I get..treking into the kitchen for some comfort food..shaking my head at my reaction. After fixing an extra large portion of comfort I gathered myself up and headed back into the living room..grabbed a box of kleenex on the way..hit the 'play' button and began digging into the bowl of 'double chocolate fudge ice-cream with jello..cream and fudgeo cookies' added to the mix. The cool sweet sweet mixture is doing its sugar fix duty and blurring the last few minutes from my mind.
All appears well in my world again and I laugh at some of the goings on in the movie. No sonner have I ha-ha-ed and forgotten when I spot teardrops hitting the melting pot of ice-cream in my bowl...then I just couldn't stop..all hell broke loose..they came out like a 40 day and 40 night flood..only unlike Noah's flood there seemed to be no end in site
I don't know about other people but for some reason when I cry the tear/s usually come out of one tear duct/eye. Only when things are really serious do I tear from both eyes..okay..well I was crying from both tear ducts like the rest of the world...a sure clue to me that something was indeed amiss. Now I'm all alone at home except for my beloved cats..yet I am not allowing myself to make any sounds..and my body is so stiff so tense you'd think I was standing at the frontlines of a war..crying but no crying sounds are coming from me. And maybe that's exactly what is was..the war inside of me begging for some outcome..any outcome..any reaction from my former self..only not this stiff..rigid piece of work I seemed to be.
I think to myself..why..why won't you help release all this pent up 'whatever' that's literally fighting to be heard..squeezing..bulldozing itself out of two teeny ducts in the form of salted tears and chemicals..screaming for release? So release.
There was nothing left for this former shell of myself to do but finally acquiesce..give myself permission to make some noise..to let my body shake..rattle and humble with a good old fashioned cryfest..yes that aught to do something..change something. Only when I do..the cracked gutteral noise coming from somewhere deep down inside of me sound so absolutely and completely foreign to my ears...I freeze up again..become silent..become the stranger..play the heart-less tin woman like in the Wizard of Oz..as if lot's of people are watching me do this..I clam right up..I actually turn red for myself.
I could feel my cheeks burning a deep shade of red..embarassed..bare assed..as if every one of my emotions..faults and fears were laid out for all the world to see. I felt groggy..dizzy..benumbed..like I'd been stun-gunned at the sudden realization.
I had forgotten how to cry
And I felt shame.
I felt shame..even when the only world watching..
was me.
When did this happen to me..when did I abandon my God or 'whatever given' right to feel..to show feeling..to be a feeler? Suddenly..as quickly as the tears had come..I felt fear..I was very, very afraid for myself...this self.
And how bizarre is it that I try and comfort others who have the guts to lay their souls wide open..does this mean I am a hypocrate..does this mean I can only 'feel' vicariously through them..and more importantly..how did the little girl that was me so long ago survive when she was no longer allowed..given permission to cry. Did she even realise it was being taken from her...did she understand the drug-walk that began so innocently in her very first year of adolescence would lead to this..all these 36 years later. Like some fairy tale twisted into a hairy-scarey-tale..gone horribly wrong..the ending is yet unclear.
I had become a puppet master of myself…controlling every aspect..covering every raw emotion..pulling my own strings.
And as human beings..we simply 'have' to do raw..we are good at raw..raw feeds our souls...without raw we are truly baked..finished..full of shit.
I was a mess...
am a mess..
but it seems for now anyway..life in all its abandon..savagery & glory is alotting me the time & space to attempt a do-over.. to learn....and practice..to thaw out from this self-imposed freeze..to find the raw inside again..and for that I am ever greatful.
Learn I shall..and in time...cry I will..like I was meant to.
