One of the toughest things for me is filling the time..there’s just so damn much of it when one isn’t high. Not saying that’s a bad thing..on the contrary..it’s the point I suppose..to be here in the now..alive and well..finger on the pulse of ones exsistence.
After-all..we'll never be in 'the moment' again..yes this moment right here..you and me connecting as we are..it will not be again. It's why the Gods of old & Angels on high envied/envy us mortals so. It's why if we get it right..we shall not only inherit the earth..but Kingdom come too.
Still it's one hard act to get through isn't it.
If we live life according to the norms put forth by society..politics and religion..are we truly living our lives as they were meant to be? I for one don't believe we are..there are many who would say we've been programmed from, well, almost birth and certainly from the time we began to understand anything. I find so many of us are afraid to step out of the ideological box..afraid to dare ourselves to look a little deeper..step a little livelier...be a little odder..love a little stronger. Even if that deeper look gets us stuck in a whole lot of shit..is it not better than the facade we play when we march to someone else's expectation of us?
How much frigging time do we waste doing that..and won't we at some point have to come to terms with it all...or risk devolving for Lord knows how long..or worse..eating crow for how long. I think we will..at some point or another have to 'get real' you and me. And I'm so bold as to add 'others' to the equation because I don't believe I've ever met anyone whose had it so together they stood to inherit Kingdom come.
Have you?
Just a few of the questions I ponder on this day. Perhaps it's the economical crisis along with the disordered state of society as it is in 2009 that has me looking back on my life for clues, experiences and some semblance of understanding that I can draw on to muddle through these times. I mean if the superpowers of the world aren't there for citizens in their deepest hour..then hadn't we better take a cue from this experience and make sure as hell we are; there for ourselves and one another. Simply put, government is not even close to meeting the exigencies of its people anymore. It's become an RSVP only party and it's looking like we, the public, don't even warrant bleacher seat admission tickets.
It's really not funny..it would seem if you're not in the upper tax brackets..friends..relatives or loved ones of the self-elected important egos of society..you can just as soon drown where you sleep because no one is throwing you a lifeline or even noticing you've gone under.
Oh wait...that already happened (Katrina).
Something to think on anyway..and act on once figured out. Yea, like that's going to be a cake walk.
As for my addiction..I've been dabbling of late but not doing as much heroin as I did throughout the fall/winter months. The result..I'm often times moody..restless, without energy and one sulky bitch who even I cannot stand to be around..even with methadone coursing through my veins. Some of my more distasteful characteristics raise their demanding heads when I'm going through the motions of detoxing. I mean let's face it I seem to be a much nicer person when I'm high. But only for a little while..you see I've not spent much time being Mary not on a drugs..so who would really know what I'm like off of them..even I don't.
It's really a dilemma, being confused as to who you are inside..because of my headstrong nature and perhaps age..I now find it impossible to go into any type of rehab (later to change). A warning to all those in the..as yet early stages of their addictions..if it's what you want..get help while you can. It's either dealing with the good intentions of others while you're still able to listen..absorb and heal or concede you're probably going to be an addict for the rest of your life. The getting help suggestion may not seem like it melds with my prior thoughts on answering your own call..but there's a whole heap of difference between accepting and following..a big one. Help is help..take it..get it..do it..then live your life well. As you always dreamed you could.
It is possible you know..and so too..say the Gods.
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